In the areas of marriage, family and sexuality, David gave in to cultural pressure. He accepted the attitude of the surrounding culture, and it led to deep heartache and strife for himself personally, and also chaos for the entire nation of Israel. Today, we Christians face tremendous cultural pressure in the areas of marriage, family and sexuality. Let’s learn from the example of David, and instead of conforming to the culture, live as God’s faithful people, even when that looks strange to those around us. With the help of the Holy Spirit, we can do this, even when we make mistakes.

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Second Samuel Chapters one through five give us the history of a half-hearted civil war between Saul’s family and David’s followers. We looked at some of the details of that during our first two installments of this series on 2 Samuel. But right in the middle, chapter three interrupts the war narrative to tell us briefly about the sons that David had during this time, and about his wives. There are some significant things to say about this interlude. Some of it might be hard to hear. You might even be offended by what I am going to say. If you do feel upset by what I teach, please do two things:

• First, please read through to the very end of the sermon, so you hear everything I say, not just a small piece of it. Consider listening to the whole thing with the audio file, because I can convey some things by tone of voice that I can’t with the written word.
• Second, feel free to disagree with me. If I am wrong, I want to know it. But let our disagreement be about what the Bible actually teaches. Don’t just tell me (or yourself) I’m wrong. Look at the Bible yourself, and understand what it teaches about this topic (which is marriage). If you think I have misunderstood what the Bible says about this, I want to hear it, to correct my mistakes. Use the comments, or contact section and explain to me, from the Bible, why I am mistaken. I’m serious. I don’t think I’m infallible.

All right, let’s get to the text. Six sons of David are named in 3:2-5, and each one came from a different wife. The Old Testament does not offer many outright condemnations of polygamy. Yet it unflinchingly and consistently records the negative results of having more than one spouse. And there are passages that warn against polygamy, even especially for kings.

Of David’s sons named in this passage, Chileab, Ithream and Shephatiah are mentioned only here in the history of Israel (though the same passage is repeated in 1 Chronicles 3). It is reasonable, therefore, to assume that they died in infancy or childhood; because of their absence in later genealogies it is virtually certain that they died before they themselves had children. David’s three surviving sons demonstrate the brokenness that results from ignoring God’s intended plan for marriage and families.

The first surviving son is Amnon. When he grew up he raped his half-sister Tamar. Absalom, the second one (and from a different mother), had Amnon murdered for what he did to his sister. Later, he started a civil war with his father David, and made him flee for his life. Eventually, Absalom was killed during his rebellion. The third son was Adonijah, a schemer who also tried to seize control of the kingdom when David was old and weak. He was ultimately executed by his half-brother Solomon (who is not mentioned here because he was not born until later).

In other words, this business of multiple wives did not work out so well. It led to tremendous family strife. When the bible describes God’s people having more than one wife, it always also describes that the resulting family was a serious mess. This is just one example.

There is one more note in chapter three concerning marriage. In verses 13-16 David demanded that his first wife Michal, Saul’s daughter, be returned to him. It is true that at one time it seemed like David and Michal were in love (1 Samuel 18:20). But the marriage had been dissolved a long time ago by this point. During the years when David was on the run, Saul had Michal marry another man, named, Palti. So, why did David force Michal to come back and become his wife again?

I suspect it was for two reasons, both of them ugly. First, the main written scripture at this point was the Torah (the first five books of our Bible). The Torah made it clear that women are equal in worth to men, and are equal heirs and partners as the people of God. However, the people of Israel took their cues about gender relationships from the surrounding culture rather than from the scripture. In other ancient middle-eastern cultures, women were considered property, like slaves and animals. David probably saw Michal as his own rightful property, and he wanted that property restored to him.

Second, David might have been concerned that if Michal had a son with her second husband (Palti), either the son, or Palti, might claim that, as a grandson of Saul, he was Saul’s rightful heir, and therefore the rightful king of Israel, rather than David. David wanted to avoid yet another civil war.

On a slightly more positive note, it may have also been an attempt to solidify the unity of his kingdom – joining the house of Saul and the house of David once more. But there was tragedy here. Michal’s new husband, Palti, loved her very much. He followed her all the way to the borders of David’s area, weeping because he was losing her. This was an awful, tragic event.

It is a fact that David had many wives, and many children by them. It is also a fact that the resulting family was full of greed, lust, hatred, murder, mayhem and grief. David was a man after God’s heart in many ways. But in his role as a husband and father, he failed spectacularly, as men of power and fame frequently do.

The strife in his family began with the fact that David ignored God’s plan for marriage, which is laid out clearly in Genesis 1 and 2. Those chapters describe marriage as the joining of one man and one woman for life. Genesis chapter two teaches that human beings were generally created to reflect God’s image in this way. Once David ignored that, things went downhill. We might excuse him for marrying again after being separated from Michal. That divorce was beyond his control. But he continued to add wives like state-stickers on the back of a retired couple’s RV.

In those days, polygamy (that is the name for having more than one wife) was a sign that the polygamist was rich and powerful. Many wives were a sign of status, sort of like a brand new Mercedes-Benz these days, only more expensive. It was expected that powerful men would have many wives. I believe that part of David’s motivation in marrying so many women was to gain respect in the eyes of his followers and in the eyes of foreign leaders. I’m sure he was also happy to have sex with many different women, while claiming he was not sinning. The truth is, David caved in to cultural pressure about marriage. And in doing so, he ignored a very clear warning from Moses that even kings were not to take many wives:

14 “When you enter the land the LORD your God is giving you, take possession of it, live in it, and say, ‘I will set a king over me like all the nations around me,’ 15 you are to appoint over you the king the LORD your God chooses…  …17 He must not acquire many wives for himself so that his heart won’t go astray. He must not acquire very large amounts of silver and gold for himself. (Deut 17:14 & 17, HCSB)

There is a lot of cultural pressure on godly marriage these days also. A newer, and growing trend is the idea of never marrying in the first place. In popular culture, marriage is often portrayed as restricting and repressive, an instrument of oppression and injustice, something that cramps your individual style. So, women are taught to think that marriage will diminish them. Men are encouraged to think that marriage will lead to no more sex, or to the undermining of their manhood. Both men and women are often presented with very negative ideas about marriage by TV, movies, the internet and music. This has a noticeable affect on our culture: the number of people who have never married is increasing dramatically.

There is, unfortunately, some truth to those ideas. Some men do dominate their wives. Sometimes they limit them, and hold them back. Some women do withhold sex from their husbands, and others are controlling and domineering. But all of that is the result of the fact that people are sinful, not that the idea of marriage in itself is flawed or wrong. Those things are much like polygamy: some people think it’s OK to be that way in marriage, but the Bible disagrees.

One of the biggest cultural pressures on marriage today is divorce. Divorce is just as much against God’s design for marriage as is polygamy, and these other things. If you think it was wrong for David to have several wives, then biblically speaking, you’d better admit that divorce is wrong too.

I feel that I ought to say something about sex here as well. The Bible gives all human beings two options with regard to sexual expression. The first option is to remain celibate, and channel sexual energy into the pursuit of God, and work, and creativity. This option is for everyone who is not in a heterosexual marriage. Jesus clearly taught this, but also he taught that not everyone has what it takes to live a life of single celibacy. (Matthew 19:1-12). The second option is to marry one person of the opposite sex, and remain sexually available and faithful to that person for life. Being sexually available to your spouse is a part of what it means to be sexually faithful (1 Corinthians 7:1-8). When Jesus taught these things, they were not especially counter-cultural. Today, they are very different from the way our culture thinks.

What was counter-cultural then, and remains so now, is the reason God created marriage. He did so first so that marriage would help human beings understand a little bit about what God is like (Genesis 1:27; Genesis 2:23-25; 1 Corinthians 11:3), and what Christ’s relationship to the church is like (Ephesians 5:22-33). Secondly, God created marriage for the benefit of human beings. All of history points to the fact that when marriage is stable, children and families flourish. And when families flourish, communities thrive. And when communities thrive, civilization is built, and the foundation is solid. Most, if not all, of the very serious problems facing western cultures today can be traced back to the fact that we have devalued marriage.

The nation of Israel flourished for a time, but ultimately it abandoned God and fell to pieces because it did not listen to, or practice, what scripture teaches about marriage.

Just as David’s culture thought polygamy was normal, our culture looks at divorce, and many other non-biblical things, as normal. I don’t think Christians need to try to change the laws. We ought to try to bring people into a relationship with Jesus so that their hearts are changed. Laws about marriage are mostly irrelevant. We need to concern ourselves with what God’s Word tells us.

There are loopholes in the law that allow unscrupulous people and companies to legally cheat and scam others. Does that mean it is OK for Christians to make money by doing those things?  Of course not. Legality is not the same as morality. The law in Nevada says prostitution is legal there. Does that mean it is OK for a Christian woman to choose that for a career – as long as she lives in Nevada? Of course not. Government laws are not the same as God’s standards, and we can’t expect them to be. In the same way, it doesn’t matter what any human government says about marriage. What God says is the only relevant thing, and Jesus was sky-clear about marriage:

3 Some Pharisees approached [Jesus] to test Him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife on any grounds? ”

 4 “Haven’t you read,” He replied, “that He who created them in the beginning made them male and female,” 5 and He also said: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?  6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, man must not separate.”

 7 “Why then,” they asked Him, “did Moses command us to give divorce papers and to send her away? ”

 8 He told them, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts. But it was not like that from the beginning. 9 And I tell you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

It might be nice if our legal system reflected our Christian morality. But there are already so many places in which it does not. If we make disciples and Jesus changes the hearts of people, they will do what is right, even if the law says it is OK to do wrong.

I wish Christians in America would quit fussing about things like gay marriage or trans issues, and instead let their hearts be broken in repentance over divorce, and over our failure to really submit to Jesus in all areas of our lives, especially marriage.

Now, what if you have already had a divorce and have remarried? I’ve said it in previous messages, and I’ll say it again: These instructions are for you right now. What’s past is past. All of us have made mistakes, and we all have to live with the consequences. Receive the forgiveness and acceptance of Jesus, and move on. Live each present moment in step with the Holy Spirit. Maybe you got a divorce even after you knew that your situation did not meet the criteria Jesus gave (above). In other words, you knowingly and deliberately sinned by divorcing when you did. Again, I say to you, receive the grace and forgiveness of God, and move on. If you are married now, regardless of which number your marriage is, stay married to this one. Make it work, starting now. I think this principle is illustrated (in a negative way) by what David did to Michal. He tore her away from a man who deeply loved her. David destroyed another marriage and another family by trying to “undo” his divorce. The whole thing was a big disaster, as divorce always is. We’ll learn later that neither he nor Michal were happy about how it worked out after they were married again. So don’t try to undo your present marriage, whether it is your first or your fifth.

If your present marriage is truly intolerable (but keep in mind that we often exaggerate how bad it is) then it does appear that you can get divorced without sinning – as long as you never marry anyone but your present spouse again. In other words, for a Christian, divorce should lead to a lifetime of celibate singleness, or reconciliation with your estranged spouse. The one exception where a person is free to get divorced and marry someone else is explained by Jesus – if your spouse (not you) commits adultery. Even there, Jesus does not say that you must divorce – only that you may. Again, I am not speaking about things that happened in the past. Receive the grace of God in your past mistakes, and live in his grace in the present.

Before you decide that your present marriage is intolerable, I want to suggest to you that marriage is kind of a living thing. Things will get difficult, or even bad – for a while. They always do. Things might even be bad for a period of years. But your marriage will also get better, if you keep working at it. If you stay with it, that is inevitable too. And then it will get rocky, and then better again. That’s life. Marriage is the most intimate relationship available to human beings. Two sinful human beings relating that closely are bound to cause trouble for each other. But they can also be a source of incredible strength and joy to each other, if they stick with it. At its best, marriage gives us glimpses into the very nature of God. At its worst, it forces us to confront our own flaws and foibles, and maybe gives us a glimpse into the heartache that the Lord feels when we turn away from him. Either way, it’s a good thing. Notice I didn’t say easy but rather, good.

I want to add one more thing. I think Kari and I have a good marriage. Other people probably think we do also. So keep that in mind when I tell you that we have sought marriage counseling a number of times during our three decades together. Marriage is difficult, because it is a lifetime bond between two people who each have sinful flesh. Our society makes marriage even more difficult for a variety of reasons. Many people have been called and gifted by God to help others improve their marriages. There is no shame in getting their help, and in fact, I think there is a great deal of wisdom in doing that. If you are in a rough period with your spouse, if you haven’t made progress for a while, please consider seeing a Christian marriage counselor together. Christian marriage counselors are part of the body of Christ, with unique gifts from God to help. Again, if you think Kari and I have a good marriage, consider that perhaps one of the reasons we do is because we aren’t ashamed to get help.

When David ignored God’s plan for marriage, it led to disaster for his children. Not only did his children suffer, but many around them suffered also. In other words, David’s disregard of God’s view of marriage was not merely a personal choice that affected only him – in his case it affected hundreds of people. In fact, his son Solomon followed in David’s polygamous footsteps and it destroyed an entire nation of people. So David’s bad choices continued to have negative effects for generations.

As the years go by, I feel more and more uncomfortable teaching like this. Twenty-five years ago when I would preach about marriage I worried that a few people might take it the wrong way and be upset. Ten years ago, I worried quite a bit more. Today, I am not worried, but rather, certain, that many people will be very troubled by this sermon. I could be “cancelled,” publicly shamed, for repeating what the Bible says.

I’m sure David was also under a lot of pressure to conform to his culture. Everyone around him accepted polygamy, especially for a man in his situation. But I believe that if David had been truly willing to follow the Lord in this area of his life, the Holy Spirit would have given him the strength to do so. I know the same is true for us. The grace of God is always available to us to help us in our struggles – all we have to do is submit to God’s design and reach out for that grace. Let me reiterate, that does not mean that things will always be easy. But it does mean that the Lord walks with us through difficult times. Sometimes, as I just mentioned, that grace might come from Christian marriage counselors.

Again, this type of thing gets harder and harder to say in public with each passing year. However, I will not water down the word of God. Marriage is very important to God. It is supposed to be between one man and one woman for life.

At the same time, please do hear me when I say that the Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love. Jesus has taken our sins on himself, and given us his righteous nature. So, there is no condemnation for those of us who are in Christ Jesus. We have God’s approval through Jesus, and  we should not wallow in our mistakes, or beat ourselves up about our past. We can move forward, joyfully and at peace.

Let the Holy Spirit speak to you right now.